


Genesis

by stereobone



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 06:04:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5856985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stereobone/pseuds/stereobone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you think he's got Vader in him?" Han asks.</p><p>"Yes," Leia says.</p><p>Han is quiet for a moment.</p><p>"But you don't think he could—"</p><p>"No," Leia says, and it's the first lie she ever tells him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Genesis

1.

Here is how the boy comes: screaming, fragile and pink and perfect. Leia delivers him after seventeen long hours and when she holds him he is so small she begins to cry, though she doesn't know why. Han stands next to her and he, too, is crying, but he pretends he's not. The boy comes, and they name him Ben.

He cries a lot as a baby. He wakes from sleep like he's been startled out of it, limbs working useless under the blankets to move. Ben screams like he's experiencing the pain of the whole galaxy. Leia presses him against her chest to try and take some of it from him, and most times, she is the only who can calm him. She strokes his temple and whisper-sings lullabies to him. When Luke comes, he comes with news Leia already knew.

"He's Force-sensitive," he says. "I can feel how strong he is already." 

"He's only an infant," Leia says, and thinks of Vader, of their father. 

In the other room, Ben sleeps on Han's chest and Han cards his fingers through his hair, and Leia wants it to be like this always. This normal. This quiet. Luke doesn't push things.

She takes him with her to meetings while they're building the New Republic, mostly because Ben screams for her when she's not near, and also because she feels empty being apart from him. She marches in with him in a sling around her front and no one says a word. They know who this boy is. Most offer congratulations. Some offer concern.

"He has Vader's blood in him," they say.

"As do I," says Leia. "Perhaps my family is not what you should be so concerned about." 

It worries Leia already that the New Republic is unconcerned with the remnants of the Empire, the scurrying rats that take up refuge on the edge of the galaxy. Her concerns go unheeded. 

"You really don't think they'll come back?" Han asks her. 

They are in bed. Ben is asleep, exhausted from the trip, though Leia knows he'll wake soon enough.

"They're fools to assume nothing like that could ever happen again."

"Not without the Emperor," Han says. "Not without another Darth Vader." 

He pulls her to him and kisses her temple, and Leia smiles but she's still uneasy. Later, Ben wakes and she goes to him, rocks him against her until he quiets. One of his small hands grips her sleeve. Leia kisses the wrinkled softness of his forehead and feels the Light in him immediately. It's almost overwhelming. And right after, as her lips linger, she feels the Dark.

2.

This is how the boy grows: quiet, always looking off elsewhere, though prone to crying fits that seems to build from nowhere. His hair comes in long and black and wild. For a while, he's a happy toddler. He plays with Chewie a lot, tries to tackle him and Chewie pretends to be overtaken. He picks the boy up when he's tired and lets him sleep against his fur. Ben holds his mother's hand often and begs her to pick him up when too many people look at him at once so he can hide his face in her hair. And sometimes, at night, Leia feels something cold seep through their home. She wakes and goes to Ben's room and finds him always asleep. But she feels it, something she can't explain, though she doesn't tell Han. She doesn't tell him about the Light and Dark in their son. She isn't sure he'd understand—and truthfully, Leia isn't sure she does either. 

3.

"It's just a short trip," Han says. 

They're arguing. He's bent over the sink washing Ben. Leia is leaning against the counter with her arms crossed. Chewie has conveniently left Han in her crossfire. 

"To the Outer Rim," Leia says. "With a toddler. What makes you think taking Ben with you is a good idea?" 

"He'll love it," Han says, rinsing soap from Ben's hair. "He'll get to see his old man race."

"Ouch," Ben says. "You pulled it." 

"Sorry, kiddo." Han pinches his cheek gently. "Almost done." 

Ben still has some baby fat, but he's lankier now, his limbs more awkward. At five, his eyes are still too big for his face. He sits cross-legged in the sink, though he's almost outgrown it. He enjoys his sink baths, just as he enjoys running around with his father, the two of them pretending to be smugglers. 

"Look," Han says. "I don't want him growing up around stuffy Republic senators all his life. This is culture, you know."

"Culture?" Leia says. "Culture!?" 

She doesn't mean to raise her voice, but Han is stubborn. In turn, Han's raises back, and they bicker—not cruelly, just the way people in love often do. Beside them, in the sink, Ben presses his hands against his ears.

"Want out," he says. "S'loud." 

They don't hear him quite yet. Han is detailing the merits of spaceports, of misunderstood criminals and Leia is calling them boneheads, to which Han reminds her she has a child with one of those bonehead criminals, unless she forgot. 

"Want out!" Ben yells, and shoves his hands, and the soap flies from the sink to the wall without him having touched it. 

Han and Leia jump back, startled, the soap ricocheting off the wall and sliding across the floor until it slows to a stop. Then everyone is quiet. Ben blinks, unable to understand what he's just done in any capacity. In the stillness, he splashes the water, desperate now for the attention of his parents. 

"Want out, please," he says.

Leia is the first to move. She tells him, _of course, baby_ , and scoops him up dripping wet before wrapping him in a towel. Ben rests limp against her. Han stands and wipes a hand over his mouth, the soap still on the floor between them as if unable to be touched. 

"Well, I wasn't expecting that," he says. 

Though it isn't until later, when Ben is asleep, that they really talk. 

"Did you know?" Han asks. 

"That he was Force-sensitive? Yes." Leia untwists her braid and her hair fans out in waves. "I didn't know he was capable of that, though, if that's what you're really asking."

She watches Han pick at the fabric of his pants while she brushes her hair. They haven't talked about it before—the possibility of a son who could become a Jedi. Leia wonders if Han wants it all. He pulls a loose thread from his pants and drops it over the side of the bed.

"I just want him safe."

Leia knows exactly what he's saying now. 

"We're here to guide him," she says. "Luke is here, if we need him."

She pulls Han up from the bed and to her arms. He presses his face against her breast. 

"I want him normal," he says. "Free of everything we went through."

Leia understands, she does. She nods, chin pressed to the top of Han's head.

"Do you think he's got Vader in him?" Han asks.

"Yes," Leia says.

Han is quiet for a moment. 

"But you don't think he could—" 

"No," Leia says, and it's the first lie she ever tells him.

4.

"Mama," Ben says, "tell me again how Uncle Luke saved the galaxy with you and dad."

He tugs at her sleeve. He always tugs at her sleeve when he wants her attention. Sometimes he's so quiet it's as if a ghost has touched her, and Leia will startle before seeing Ben staring up at her, and she'll always break into a smile.

"Didn't Dad tell you just last week?"

"You tell it better."

"I heard that," Han says from the kitchen.

Ben breaks into bright, childish laughter, and Leia laughs right along with him. When Ben quiets, Leia makes eye contact with Han. The idea passes between them slowly, without words.

"I think it's time for a different story," she says. "About your grandfather." 

5.

He makes friends with some of the children of politicians and starpilots over the next few years, but by now Ben already knows he's different. His gaze is often far away, like he's somewhere else entirely. He grows quieter. If Han notices, he says nothing, but Leia does. Ben had never been planned, though they felt nothing less than joy when they found out he was coming. Leia would lie awake nights and imagine him, how he would grow up in a world without the Empire. How he was already everything to her. 

"You've been so quiet lately," she says to him.

They're sitting at the table together, and Ben has barely said a word all dinner. He used to talk almost nonstop, nonsense as a toddler, then curious things, and sometimes things he shouldn't have known at his age, like how to deconstruct a droid or what Han was thinking. 

"I'm fine," Ben says.

Han is off planet with Chewie, so there's no one to back Leia up. 

"If something was ever wrong, I'd want you to tell me." Leia swallows the last of her water. "Is it one of the New Republic boys? Are they saying things about you again?"

Ben pushes meat around his plate. He's gotten tall, his limbs barely contained, but still so young, still a boy. 

"I'm not like them, am I?" he says.

"There's nothing wrong with who you are," Leia tells him. 

Ben sets his fork down and pushes his plate away. He doesn't look up.

"I'm not like you and dad either, though." 

Leia watches him. He won't look up at her. He stares at the table and scratches aimlessly at his arm like he's ashamed.

"What would make you say a thing like that?" Leia says. "Ben, you're part of us. We're both in you."

And then, as if waking, Ben blinks and looks up at her. Whether he's convinced or not, Leia can't tell. _You're my son_ , she thinks, and knows he can hear. Ben nods.

"Yeah," he says, almost grinning, and then hops off his chair and collects her empty plate. 

Leia watches him, and for the first time, she has doubts.

6.

Things are still good, sometimes. Here is the boy play-wrestling with his father, here is the boy jumping up to kiss his mother's cheek, tugging her sleeve, here is the boy smiling, mouth full of white teeth, ears still a bit too big for his head. 

Other times, Leia worries. Here is the boy angry for no reason, here is the boy with Chewie rubbing his back to calm him, here is the boy withdrawn, fingers pressed to his temples like he always has a headache. 

"Leia," Luke says. "I can help him."

He's already started training others. He's talked about it for a while, and he and Leia have argued about it before, though Leia ultimately agrees it's a good thing, restoring the Jedi Order. But it feels utterly different when it's about Ben. She thinks of Han, how he wants him normal, free. 

"He's too young," Leia says. "I won't send him away."

"You know he has both sides of the Force in him." Luke bends to her level, equals, his eyes almost pleading. "I want to keep him safe too. He's my nephew." 

"He is safe," Leia says. "He's with me."

She says it again, doubtful. 

"He's safe, Luke." 

Luke's become so much kinder over the years, patient. He squeezes Leia's shoulders.

"I understand," he says. 

Leia thinks, oddly, of years ago, when her father tried to probe her mind on the Death Star and couldn't. How she resisted him. She looks at Ben. _He's stronger_ , she thinks, and doesn't know what it means yet.

7.

Things get busier over the next year with the New Republic. There are setbacks, demonstrations. People fear they will be like another Empire, or fear they won't last. They'll fall like the Old. Leia is sometimes up nights negotiating treaties, handling concerns. Ben is too old now to drag along to Senate meetings, but still too young to be left alone. Han usually stays with him, and Leia knows he lets him pilot even though she's ordered him not to, but he's taken more work lately, and sometimes now Ben has to stay with Luke. When Leia gets home again and Ben sees her, he no longer watches her like she is infallible to him. He looks afraid. 

"What's wrong?" she says to him.

"Nothing." Ben nods to Luke. "Uncle Luke taught me how to move boulders." 

Leia stands and Luke strategically looks away, whistling. 

"Did he now?" she says. 

There's a shadow of a smile on Ben's face, but it looks strained. 

He argues with Han, no longer asks to hear stories about the old days. He still tugs Leia's sleeve but it feels desperate now, uncertain.

"I think he should spend more time with Luke," Leia says, when Han's back.

They're cleaning up after dinner, Ben already in his room, Han scrubbing a plate a bit too hard. Ben had been angry all throughout dinner, and though he said nothing, the room felt thick, the ceilings low, the air colder. Leia told him he was projecting again. When Ben looked up at her through his hair she knew he couldn't even control it. 

"He's a kid," Han says. "He's going to have mood swings." 

"That make the house shake?" Leia hands him another dirty dish. "Han, our son is strong with the Force, whether you want to admit it or not."

"It doesn't mean we have to treat him differently."

"He is different," Leia says. "We can't ignore that any longer. It's okay that he's different."

"I didn't sign up for this," Han says, muttering.

He freezes as soon as he says it, regretful, shocked. 

"Yes you did," says Leia. 

Han reaches his soapy hand from the water and grabs Leia's, warm and apologetic. 

"I love him," he says. "I love you." 

"I know." Leia squeezes his hand, wet and puckered. "But we have to accept that he's struggling." 

"I can still help him."

Han starts back on the dishes again, rinsing water and soap away before setting them to dry on the rack. He's having one of his classic stubborn streaks, and after all this time, Leia still finds them equally frustrating and endearing. He wipes his hands dry on his pants. 

"I'm his father, you know. I may not have the Force, but I'm his father." 

"You are," Leia says, voice overflowing with affection. "I'm reminded of that every time he refuses to do something." 

Han flicks water at her from the sink. Leia laughs. They both laugh, and for a moment, they forget. 

And then a week later, Leia hears it. At night, with Han snoring next to her, she hears it. It sounds like whispers. Leia sits up, blinking in the darkness. Ben is awake. She leaves Han sleeping and rushes out to his room, her feet heavy under her. Ben stands at the foot of his bed when she gets there. He looks like he's been awake for some time. 

"Ben?" Leia says. "Are you all right?"

He looks startled that she's there. He hesitates and then nods. She knows it's a lie. Leia touches him and he's cold even through his sleeping shirt.

"Did you hear something?"

Ben doesn't answer, and Leia shakes him. Fear grips her, because she already knows. She's never wanted so much to be wrong. 

"Ben, did you hear someone talking to you?!"

"No," he says. "No. Leave me alone, just leave me alone!"

But he doesn't run from her. He turns and throws himself into her arms and sobs, his whole small body shaking. Leia brushes back his hair frantically. She looks around in the darkness knowing she'll find no one.

"It's all right," she says. "It's all right, I'm here, baby, I'm here. You're all right."

She doesn't tell Han. She waits until morning, and then she contacts Luke. 

"I need your help," she says, her voice thin and trembling. "Someone has been watching my son."

8.

Here is how the boy falls: quickly, violently. He cracks so brilliantly it's like he was destined to from birth. When he leaves with Luke, Leia can't help feeling like he's abandoned him, and Han must feel it too, because he breaks things more often than normal. The house feels quiet, but strained. The night they lose him, Leia dreams of him as a toddler again, giggling as she tickles him, Han's dimples etched into his smile. And then he stills as if gripped by something. He glances right, and then up at Leia.

"Mama," he says. 

She leans down. "What?" 

He holds her gaze, and Leia is terrified. Ben's voice drops to a whisper.

"He's watching," he says. 

When Leia wakes, sweating, head pounding, it's to the news that Ben is gone. She can't cry when Han embraces her. She can't even move her arms. The break comes later, when she opens the door to his bare room, when she collapses to her knees and screams. Her agony ripples out into the galaxy before she can stop it. She only stops once her lungs are so raw she can only kneel there, open-mouthed and crying. In the silence, she feels something ripple, like something tugging on her sleeve. Leia stumbles upright and waits, foolishly, thinking her son might come back through that door any moment. 

And whispers come years later of the Jedi Killer, and after that, of Kylo Ren. And if anyone knows who her son is now, they say nothing. And when Han leaves, they say nothing. And when rumors of the First Order become verifiable facts, Leia does what she needs to. At the Resistance base, she's everything a General should be. She leads, she rallies, and sometimes it's like the years before never happened. 

But the nights are harsher. She hasn't had a dream since the night she lost Ben. She sleeps and wakes as if blinking. Every night, though, every night she shuts her eyes and pushes her thoughts out into the galaxy. When the horrible, aching quiet of the night is around her, Leia faces the sky and touches the sleeve of her shirt. _You're still my son_ , she thinks. Her thoughts ripple out. 

One night, she knows, his thoughts might ripple back.

**Author's Note:**

> Do you ever think about how Leia lost everything haha. Reunion 2017, c'mon.


End file.
